He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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