I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
