Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
