I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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