If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
