census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
