i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think people are normalizing furries
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
