UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
