So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
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I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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