he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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