Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
