he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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