My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Pants are for mortals
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
