I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
