I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
