Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
