really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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