I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
