my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
