We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
