You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
