Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
