I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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