allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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