I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
