You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
