They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
