Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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