Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
