so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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