Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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