Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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