Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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