I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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