As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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