Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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