they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
