note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
