i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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