What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
