True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
