My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
