You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
