if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
