FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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