totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
