dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
