my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Randomize
