Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
