Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
