you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
