how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
