Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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