Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
