my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
