the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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