True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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