1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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