I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
