i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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