my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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