She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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